Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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