Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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