Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
