Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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