woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
