forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
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