I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
