There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
