I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
