OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
