The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
