Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
