What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
