Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
