Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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