Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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