I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
