Duck Duck Cougar?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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