life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
