If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
