proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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