After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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