My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
