there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
