Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
