Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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