ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
