i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
