My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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