just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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