WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
