My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I'm at about main and main street
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
It all started with a game of naked twister.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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