I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
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