the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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