so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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