apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
