I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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