his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
