i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
