Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
