spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
