I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
