Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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