Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
