It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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