its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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