well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
