If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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