Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
