I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
a search helicopter?!
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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