I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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