I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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