Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
