Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
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Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
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I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
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