he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
