I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
