U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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